All My Loving
by thecruzwif
Summary: A one shot involving Severus Snape and Jane Black. A pre-cursor to the multichapter story I am writing involving the couple.


They say that true love only comes once in a lifetime. That there can only be one soul mate for each person on the face of the earth. Yet there is at least one who knows that this cannot be true, for he has loved two women with equal passion at the same time.

And he always will.

Everyone knows that story that Severus Snape has been in love with Lily Evans since he was only a little boy watching her from the bushes. But there's another story, one that history glosses over.

Her name was Jane, and she was a beacon of hope for Severus in a dark time of unrest and deep emotional turmoil. She was always nearby, ready with a warm smile and a cheerful "Hello!"

Little did Severus know that from the very moment he met Jane, through all the hellos and smiles and stolen moments, he was really just saying goodbye.

Jane was an independent woman, who would go her own way no matter the risks or the eventual costs; she would follow her heart to the ends of the earth and through the fires of Hell. Severus had accepted that. He knew that to be in a relationship was to be in constant agony, the promise of tomorrow fighting with the ever present chance of losing that love. He, too, knew the costs of following his heart to Jane. Yet he never could have imagined it would end like this.

Her body sprawled across the stone floor, lifeless eyes staring past Severus to something he could never see. At that moment he wished that his eyes were as blank and lifeless as Jane's. He didn't want to see her vacant stare, the way her legs twisted at those odds angles, the blood congealing around the wound in her head where the muggers had hit her over the head with a baseball bat. Severus couldn't even cry, all he could think was "Not again."

She was pregnant. The realization that he had forgotten that all important detail hit Severus in stomach like one of the numerous blows from the Muggle thugs. She had just told him yesterday. Severus had wanted to celebrate this momentous occasion; to think he could have had a child. Jane had only been a few weeks along, but Severus couldn't help but think on the unborn child as well as his beloved Jane. Something inside of him suddenly decided that it had been a girl, this unborn babe of his. He reached out a hand and touched Jane's stomach, already cold beneath her thin summer dress.

Amelia. That would have been her name. Amelia Snape. He would have taught her himself, taught her potions and what was important in life. He would have taught her that love is more important than anything in the world... He would have taught her heartache, then. For Severus was coming to understand that all love is heartache. First Lily, whom he had lost before she died, and now Jane and their unborn child, whom he'd lost before their lives could even begin.

That's when he felt them. Those cursed tears. They ran their silvery tracks through the dust on his cheeks, revealing his heart to the world. He felt their pain almost as if they were carving new lines into his weathered, worried face. Yet even though that cursed water blurred his vision, Severus could still see Jane's eyes: gray orbs clouded like a storm, but lifeless as glass.

For the next hour or two, Severus knew nothing but those eyes. Somehow, he ended up in Dumbledore's tower office with a cup of steaming tea in his hands and seated across from the bearded wise man himself. Those intelligent blue eyes were piercing him through to his very core, but Severus would not speak.

"I am sorry, Severus," Dumbledore began, but he stopped at the look on his companion's face.

"I do not want your pity," Severus hissed. His grip tightened around the teacup in his hands. "I do not want sympathy. No man understands what it is like! How it feels to lose not one but two women he loves! On top of it all, I have lost my one chance for legacy! I believed you when you said everything would get better. I believed you after the first time, and now I have lost again. Only this time it is infinitely worse because I have lost twice!"

Severus devolved from his shouting to harsh, heavy breaths. Dumbledore was staring at him with a look of surprise.

"You mean, Jane... Jane was..." Dumbledore faltered, a state few had ever seen him in. This only infuriated Severus more and he flung the teacup across the room. The sound of shattering china said what Severus could not. Yes, Jane had been pregnant.

Dumbledore sat in thoughtful silence for a moment while Severus collapsed back into the chair and put his head in his hands. The older man watched as his younger compatriot aged almost twenty years before his very eyes.

"I can't go on like this," Severus moaned, guttural like a wounded animal. "At least I had no chance with Lily even though I loved her still. Jane and I could have been happy. We could have had a family. I had hope this time... and now..."

Dumbledore's heart ached through Severus's speech. He understood loss and pain. Severus had faced adversity since the day he was born. His father a drunkard of a Muggle and his mother a besotted witch squandering her intelligence on an unworthy man, Severus had grown up in an unstable household. When he met Lily in childhood, he had been besotted; she was a pure soul and heart, so it was only natural that Severus had fallen head over heels for her. Even when Lily had married James Potter, Severus's enemy, he still maintained friendship with her. Her death had ripped him apart. When Jane had come to Hogwarts to teach, he had started to feel that love again. To have it taken away again like this... nothing else could be worse for him.

"We will have a funeral," Dumbledore said with a note of finality. "Jane and the unborn child will have a proper funeral and burial here on Hogwarts grounds. It will be just her family, the teachers she was closest to, and you and I. A small ceremony."

"And then what?" Severus asked, looking up at Dumbledore with fear and immense pain in his eyes. "Am I just expected to live on with this?"

"No," Dumbledore replied calmly, steadily. "Then I will wipe your memory. It will be as if she never existed for you."

Severus sat silent for a moment as the magnitude of Dumbledore's words fell on him.

"And will you take away Lily, too?" he asked quietly.

"No. Too many know that you knew her as a child. If I take her away, there will be suspicion. Few knew about the relationship between you and Jane. I think it will be beneficial to you if I do this."

Severus felt a sharp pain in his chest, as though his heart were being torn apart. On the one hand, he could go back to pining only after Lily instead of living with the realization that two women were cruelly ripped from him by the hands of fate. However, that also meant that he would lose all of the happy moments with Jane. He would never remember the first moment he saw her, the many nights spent talking until the wee hours of the morning, the feeling of their first kiss or the first time that they had been intimate. As he realized that each one of these extraordinarily happy moments would be forever tainted by his overwhelming guilt and sadness, Severus knew what he had to do.

"Alright, Albus. After the funeral you can take Jane out of my mind forever."

Two days later, Severus found himself in his dress robes sitting in a chair in a clearing of the Forbidden Forest. Before him stood a dark gray coffin on a stand, large flowers spread over the drab container. The flowers were birds of paradise, Jane's favorite. For a moment, he was all alone with her.

Hushed voices reached his ears as the small funeral group entered the clearing. True to his word, Dumbledore had only informed a handful of people about the funeral. They all filed past Severus to take their seats: Minerva, Sybil, Madam Rosemerta. Dumbledore brought up the rear with an elderly looking woman clutching his arm for support. She had a veil over her face, but Severus recognized the raven streaks of black through her graying hair. Rising, he took her hand.

"Mrs. Black," he murmured, trying to keep his voice from shaking. She gazed up at him as though through a haze, and Severus let go a deep sigh of relief: her eyes were blue, not the extraordinary violet that Jane's had been. He knew in that moment that if Jane's mother had possessed her eyes, he would have pulled out his wand and gladly joined Jane.

"You are the man my daughter was so smitten with," Mrs. Black said quietly. Her voice lacked inflection, her pain too great for much emotion. "She was quite in love with you, you know. She couldn't stop speaking of you when she visited."

Severus bowed over her wrinkled hand. "She spoke of you often, too. I'm sorry we had to meet like this."

Mrs. Black nodded and allowed Severus to help her to the chair next to his. Dumbledore moved to stand in front of the casket. Looking at the flowers for a moment, he turned to the assembly and began his eulogy.

Severus didn't hear much more than a couple of words snatched here and there: "optimistic," "beautiful heart," and "greatly missed." The words sounded hollow to his ears, because none of them knew her as he had, not even her mother. She had been his perfect match; they had fit perfectly together like two pieces of a greater whole.

He could feel the tears running down his cheeks again, but he did nothing to stop the flow. This would be the last time he ever thought about Jane, about how she made him so happy.

After the service, there were a few minutes of murmured conversations: consolations and minor memories. Severus remained completely silent throughout, afraid that if he opened his mouth he would beg to trade Jane's place.

It seemed like an eternity, but finally, everyone began to make their way back up to the castle. Severus lagged, his eyes glued to the casket covered in the bright flowers. Without really thinking about it, he plucked a single flower from the bouquet. He tucked it in his front pocket, so the petals showed brightly against the black of his robes. Looking up one last time, he watched as a bright, warm light covered the coffin and the flowers. He was blinded for a moment as the light reached its peak, then the light faded to reveal a simply carved tomb. The inscription was simple.

Jane Gabrielle Black  
>1960-1985<br>She gave us hope.

When Severus arrived at the castle, he headed up to Dumbledore's office. They were going to get this over with tonight. Robotically, Severus climbed the stairs and entered. Dumbledore was standing in the middle of the room, waiting. Jane's mother had already gone back to America, so they were completely alone.

"It is time," Dumbledore said quietly. He stretched out his hand, indicating the chair near his desk, a place where Severus had sat so many times. Severus took the seat, staring dead ahead.

"I need you to clear your mind, Severus," Dumbledore instructed, moving to stand behind the potions master. "Focus on something mundane, such as an apple or a potion recipe. I need you to fill your mind with that thought so that I can be sure I get everything pertaining to Jane out of your mind."

Tears running down his cheeks, Severus forced her eyes out of his mind. He forced the sight of her smile, the sound of her laughter out. The smell of her hair, the feel of her skin got pushed out of his mind. The taste of her kiss... He replaced it all with a single image: a bird of paradise flower. He could hear Dumbledore chanting vaguely behind him, but Severus pushed even those thoughts out and thought of nothing but the bright orange petals of the flower.

Severus awoke the next morning feeling groggy. He couldn't remember something... something he was supposed to remember was now gone from his mind, and it was going to drive him crazy until he remembered.

Glancing down Severus saw that he had slept in his dress robes... why in the world had he done that? Wracking his brain, he vaguely recalled being in Dumbledore's office and Minerva and Sibyl... It must have been a staff party. The reason everything was fuzzy must have been because he had overindulged. He had been doing that a lot since Lily died.

Standing up, Severus went to the mirror above the fireplace and scowled at his reflection. His dress robes were all rumpled from being slept in; it was no telling how long it would take the house elves to get all the wrinkles out.

Something in the mirror caught his eye. Whipping around, Severus saw a single brightly colored flower in a skinny beaker of water. Frowning, he tried to remember how he had acquired such a brightly colored object in his possession. Bird of Paradise: the phrase floated into his brain. That must be the type of flower he reasoned. Although he was partial to dark things, Severus found he liked the pretty little flower.

Turning from the beaker, he went into his bathroom and began to get cleaned up. He had to grade some essays and that was going to take all day.


End file.
